


Kiyotaka Ishimaru isn't okay.

by as_the_leaves_fall



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Eating Disorders, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, Ishimaru isn't okay, M/M, Makoto Naegi is mentioned, Overdosing, Poor Ishimaru, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, There will be swearing from pretty much everybody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23277814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/as_the_leaves_fall/pseuds/as_the_leaves_fall
Summary: Everything was too much.Ishimaru attempts suicide.
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo
Comments: 35
Kudos: 352





	1. Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! Warning time.
> 
> This fic contains explicit discussion of suicide, its methods and self-hatred. There's also mentions of eating disorders. If you're sensitive to these kind of topics, reading this isn't recommended. 
> 
> Stay safe!

Everything was too much.

Not just Kiyotaka himself, though he didn't doubt for a single bloody second that he was. It was hard not to when the first impression you tended to make on people was always "intense", no matter how much you tried to tone it down. 

And oh boy, did Kiyotaka try to tone himself down. 

Sitting quietly and biting his tongue, even when it pained him to do so. Both literally and figuratively.

Attempting to imitate Chihiro's docile demeanour, right up until the latter noticed and (politely) called him out over it.

The unintentional discovery he made that if he cut his calorie intake down severely enough, the resulting fatigue would quiet him. All of it.

But no, that wasn't what tipped him over the edge. The issue was life in general. 

It was the going through the motions to appear okay when he really wasn't.

The feeling that no matter what he did, he was simply imposing his presence on others and above all else, the crushing expectations that Kiyo always felt like he was just short of reaching. 

The failing, he counted all of that as failures. He couldn't rebuild the Ishimaru family name like that and he had spent his whole life trying to.

Everyone has their limits, after all. And Kiyotaka Ishimaru had finally reached his.

Today was the day he was going to die. 

* * *

Kiyotaka had prepared everything well in advance.

He'd considered various methods, most of which he had discarded, knowing they would leave too traumatic of a result behind for whoever ended up finding his body afterwards.

His father would certainly notice if he took his service pistol and there was a high risk that Kiyotaka would unintentionally hit something or, god forbid, _someone else_ alongside his head with the fatal shot, so that was out.

Hanging seemed efficient and left no ambiguities of his intentions but Kiyotaka wasn't able to find an anchor point to tie a ligature to that could support his weight, so that was also out.

Cutting an artery or stabbing himself would leave a huge mess behind, so that was _definitely_ out.

Eventually, Kiyotaka decided on a method; an overdose of sedatives. That would do the job if he took enough of them, right? It wouldn't leave a horrific scene afterwards either. 

He knew that people would grieve regardless of what he settled on but if he could spare his loved ones from being left with a nightmarish final memory of him, it would ease the blow a little. 

A small comfort for a dead man. It did nothing to ease the guilt that had settled into every fibre of Kiyotaka's being as he stared down at the opened bottle of pills in his hand. 

He was shaking and he didn't know why.

This was what he wanted, wasn't it? For it to end? Perhaps that was the survival instinct talking.

Or was it the rush of memories that flooded in? 

His whole life played out in his head. His childhood, adolescence. How close he was with his father, especially after his mother had passed. All the hardship.

Him entering Hope's Peak. Meeting Leon, Chihiro and Mondo. Them becoming a tight-knit group over the years, even with all of Kiyotaka's faults that had previously driven others away. 

Mondo confessing to him just before they graduated. The first time they kissed, held hands, _held_ each other, went on dates.

When all four of them moved into the apartment together; whose bathroom Kiyotaka now stood in, left alone for the day while the others ran errands. He picked today for that very reason.

It all came creeping back and he couldn't stop the tears from coming with it. 

But Kiyotaka had made his decision. The longer he was here on this earth, the more painful everything got. He wasn't about to drag the others down with him.

He lifted the bottle to his lips and, steeling himself, swallowed the entirety of its contents in one go. 

The deed was done. 


	2. Derailed

Kiyotaka felt incredibly lightheaded now. Whether it was from the fact that he hadn't eaten anything in the past three days or from the weight of his actions, he couldn't tell. 

Either way, he'd actually done it and there was no turning back.

Bending down at the waist, he began to wash his face in the sink. His tears mixed with the water and went down the drain with it, leaving only red-rimmed eyes as evidence he'd been crying. 

He had some time to get ready before the pills took effect but he didn't want there to be tear tracks left on his corpse. It helped to steady his nerves anyway, an effect that was very much welcome right now.

Again, Kiyotaka had prepared everything well in advance. He was dressed neatly in clothing that he'd earlier set aside for this; white dress shirt, black sports jacket and black pants. The note he wrote was safely tucked away into the inner breast pocket. Barring socks, he wore no footwear. 

They'd find him lying on his bed like that, hopefully long after he'd passed on. Peaceful but clearly on his own terms. Kiyotaka had entertained the thought of making it look like he'd gone in his sleep but after thinking it further, realised it would make the eventual discovery of the true cause sting even more to those he would leave behind.

It felt so much like stabbing them in the back and that was something he just couldn't do.

Kiyotaka turned the tap off. He couldn't summon the strength to look up at his reflection, electing instead to immediately bury his face into a towel.

How pathetic, right? He couldn't even look at himself. Kiyotaka turned away from the mirror as he finished drying off. 

"Are you alright, Kiyo?"

Kiyotaka froze. Oh no. Please no. 

He lowered the towel, fervently hoping that he'd find nothing and he was just hearing things that weren't there.

All he found was Chihiro, who was most _certainly_ standing there in the doorway of the bathroom, looking back at him with a mildly concerned expression on his face.

 _Fuck._ He wasn't alone.

* * *

How much had Chihiro seen? Kiyotaka frantically scanned the smaller man in front of him, only to find nothing indicating that he'd seen what he'd just done.

A relief. If Chihiro had seen, he wouldn't be this calm. But he wasn't stupid, he knew that something was wrong. Why else would he have asked? Kiyotaka was going to have to answer in a way that wasn't suspicious.

"Yeah, I'm alright." A lie. "Just a bit stressed, that's all." A half truth.

It was enough. Chihiro's expression relaxed slightly, though his concern was still visible.

"Oh..." He sighed. "Kiyo, you really need to take better care of yourself. That kind of stress isn't healthy..."

Kiyotaka almost wanted to laugh. Healthy? Soon he'd be _dead._ He didn't need to worry about that anymore.

He ended up tuning out most of what Chihiro said after that, too far into his own head for it to register. Knowing the other all too well and vice versa, it was probably a heartfelt lecture about paying heed to his welfare, that it was perfectly fine for him to voice his troubles if he felt the need to instead of letting it all build up inside to the point of exploding.

Sound advice normally. Advice that Kiyotaka felt was utterly wasted on someone like him now but he didn't have the heart to fault Chihiro for that.

That was just the kind of person he was. Cared for everyone and everything and wore his heart on his sleeve. Kiyotaka hoped that would never change.

Suddenly the conversational topic switched, derailing his thought train.

"Oh, that's what I came to tell you!"

Chihiro chirped, very much unaware of what exactly was going through Kiyotaka's mind.

"Makoto asked us to help him out with something today, remember?" 

Oh fuck. **_Fuck_**.

Kiyotaka's blood ran cold as he searched his memory and the pieces clicked in place. 

He had completely forgotten that he and the others were supposed to help Makoto set up equipment for an event he was hosting today. They'd agreed on this a fortnight ago, he should've remembered this but he _hadn't_ and now it was going to screw everything up.

"It'll help take your mind off of things, let's go." 

Chihiro took Kiyotaka by the hand and, turning away from him, led him out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

Kiyotaka didn't know what to do. What to say. What _could_ he say? 

He could try to play it off as him feeling unwell and unable to attend but then Chihiro would most likely insist on staying home to look after him and Kiyotaka _absolutely_ did not want that.

If he didn't disclose why he wanted to stay home, it would come off as incredibly suspicious and he knew full well that Chihiro would press him about it or worse, get Mondo to do it. The latter was well-versed with what made him tick and Kiyotaka knew full well that he'd crack under the pressure eventually.

And telling Chihiro straight up what his current predicament was wasn't an option. Not unless he wanted to start a panic, one that would ultimately be proved futile.

With the profoundly disturbing sensation that he was floating a few feet above himself, Kiyotaka put on his shoes and let himself be lead outside to Leon's waiting van, greeted with the sight of Mondo waving at him and Chihiro from the back seat.

He was at a dead end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. This isn't going to end well.
> 
> On a more awkward note, I forgot that it never originally said that he put his shoes on first before going outside. Fixed it.


	3. Car ride

The car ride felt almost normal, all things considered.

Leon was driving, blasting rock music from the speakers and headbanging. Any other day, Kiyotaka would be telling him off for that. Today was not one of them. He was too numb and dizzy, opening his mouth to talk would make it worse.

Chihiro was in the passenger seat next to Leon and he was busy fiddling around with the GPS like he usually did. What wasn't usual was him occasionally glancing behind at Kiyotaka with that almost frustrating look of concern still colouring his features.

Mondo was in the backseat directly behind Leon, laughing and chatting away with him happily.

Speaking of which, Kiyotaka really ought to say something. Any more silence on his part and they'd all realise something was very wrong. The fact that Kiyotaka was resting heavily against the side door and staring out of the window rather than sitting up straight and making proper eye contact was already out of character for him enough to warrant attention.

Since when did it get so hard for him to breathe?

Mondo was the one to break the silence.

"You've been quiet lately. You good?" 

Ah. So it wasn't just Chihiro who'd already noticed his odd behaviour today. That didn't surprise Kiyotaka in the least; Mondo was very cluey when it came to reading other people. 

"Yeah. Sorry bro, just stressed out."

It was the same spiel he told Chihiro. At least he was consistent with it, it helped to keep his story straight.

"Ah, s'alright. Kinda figured." Came Mondo's gruff response, his arm up behind his head. 

Again, Kiyotaka wasn't surprised he'd picked up on that but he couldn't let Mondo know it. He'd have to act as if it were a surprise. 

"Really?" Short and sweet, it did the job.

Kiyotaka's head spun, the sedatives were taking their effect. They had a while ago but now it had grown strong enough for him to really feel it.

Their destination wasn't too far, he was sure that he could hold on until then and discreetly call an ambulance when he arrived. His plan was now utterly ruined.

"Yeah." Kiyotaka's attention turned back to Mondo. Like with Chihiro, the worry on his face was blatant. Great.

"You haven't been yourself for the past couple of days. The fuck kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't notice?"

"A dumbass one." Leon called out from the drivers seat, earning him a few groans from the others.

"Yeah no shit, Captain Obvious."

It was their usual sort of banter but now it struck a nerve deep inside Kiyotaka. The crushing guilt of what he'd done came back in full force.

"... I'm sorry..."

Mondo's expression deepened.

"What the fuck are you sorry for? Life's bullshit sometimes, I get that. 'M just worried, that's all. You've been really out of it." 

Oh. Kiyotaka didn't think it was possible to feel worse than how he felt right now but his partner's words took it to a new low. 

"Ah... Honestly, I didn't really notice."

Another lie. How long would Kiyotaka have to do that for? 

"Dude, come on. How do you not notice that?" Leon questioned incredulously.

Mondo scowled. "Oi-!"

"Hey!" Chihiro cut in, clearly trying to stop the budding argument. "Sometimes those things creep up on you. At least you've noticed now, right?"

An awkward silence fell.

"... Yeah, fair point." Leon concluded sheepishly. "...Sorry." 

Mondo sighed, shaking his head. The tension had gone as quickly as it came.

"As long as you're taking care of yourself, Taka..."

Leaning across the empty middle seat, Mondo wrapped his arms around Kiyotaka in an embrace. The latter welcomed it, leaning into him.

He was warm. Full of life. Kiyotaka felt like ice in comparison. It made him want to cry.

Suddenly, Mondo pulled back. His grip tightened on Kiyotaka's shoulders. 

"Hold on, you're shaking!" He noted. "Are you feeling alright?"

Fuck, so he was. He hadn't realised until now but there was no mistaking it, he was shaking like a leaf in a storm.

Kiyotaka immediately wanted to fall through the floor. His composure was cracking and soon it would break apart. The pressure in his chest grew, making him openly start gasping for air.

That did not go unnoticed. 

"Panic attack, yeah?" Leon questioned, his usual casual tone gone. "Shit... Deep breaths, it'll pass, it'll pass. We've got ya."

"...Kiyo, was that what happened earlier?"

Oh no. Kiyotaka almost forgot about his prior encounter with Chihiro in the bathroom. Why did he think that he wouldn't comment on it in this situation?

"Wait, what?" Mondo's head snapped up, paying full attention to the small programmer in the seat in front.

"He was crying in the bathroom when I went to get him." Chihiro explained. Kiyotaka was certain that if he could see his expression, it'd be one of full worry far stronger than what he'd already seen earlier.

Mondo tensed up. "Why the fuck didn't you say that before?!" 

"It wasn't my place to say until now!"

Mondo was about to make a response before Leon piped up. "Guys, don't start. Neither of you are helping here!"

Just like that, Kiyotaka's mood plummeted further than he thought was possible. 

"I'm sorry..." He didn't mean for the apology to slip out but it did. He almost couldn't help it at this point.

Kiyotaka only half heard Mondo's answer, there was a bigger issue that he needed to worry about; The edge of his vision was beginning to go grey, it was incredibly difficult for him to breathe and he was sure that he could feel saliva dripping down his chin due to being so focused on the latter. 

The sedatives were _definitely_ taking hold of his system and he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to keep himself together for. So much for his plan to discreetly deal with it.

"I don't... feel well..."

How the fuck was he supposed to tell them?

"Like ill?" Chihiro questioned, blissfully unaware. "Are you sick?"

Kiyotaka could feel Mondo pull himself back again to get a better look at him.

"Yeah... Kiyo, you're not looking so- Fucking hell, you're drooling!"

Okay, he couldn't hide it anymore.

"... Sorry..." It was a reflex at this point. Kiyotaka didn't know how else he could respond.

"Don't apologise for that, it's okay!" Chihiro interjected. "I shouldn't have made you go..."

Mondo's grip on Kiyotaka tightened slightly, pressing him firmly against his chest. 

"Okay." He felt his words more than hearing them. "We're gonna go right the fuck back home and you're gonna go to bed and rest." 

"On it!" Leon said to nobody in particular. The indicator audibly clicked as he attempted to change lanes.

Above that and the hum of the car's engine, Kiyotaka could hear Chihiro turning around in his seat. 

"Kiyo, when was the last time yo-?" He didn't even finish the question before suddenly shrieking. "Jesus christ, you've gone _blue!!"_

"Wha-?! Shit, you _have! What the fuck?!"_

Kiyotaka could've easily died right then and there out of sheer mortification but it seemed the universe wasn't that merciful.

The others had all finally cottoned on to how dire the situation truly was and no amount of sweet-talking and lies could get him out of it.

"Alright, it's hospital time now! We're going to the hospital!" 

The car's engine revved loudly as Leon pressed further on the accelerator. Or at least, Kiyotaka assumed that he had. The grey had completely obscured his vision and he could no longer see anything.

Amid the din of Mondo and Leon's chorus of various profanities, Chihiro's frantic voice stuck out.

"Kiyo, can you breathe? Are you able to breathe?" The panic was clear as day.

Kiyotaka couldn't get enough air to make a verbal response, electing to shake his head despite the vertigo it gave him.

" _Fuck!_ " Chihiro swore, an octave higher than normal. "Would it be quicker to call an-?!"

"There's no time!" Leon shot back. "We're close to the hospital, hang on!"

"I don't think he can!"

The rest of their argument was a blur. Everything sounded like it was underwater and Kiyotaka gave up on trying to figure out what was said. With how blue he was, the fighting for air and all the fluid running out of his mouth, he might as well have literally been drowning. 

He was slumped limp against Mondo, the only thing he could sense was the other shaking him and begging for him to stay conscious.

Kiyotaka wasn't going to make it in time, and he knew it. It'd be around ten seconds at the most before he passed out.

He may as well just come clean.

"... pills..." He slurred. "...took the whole bottle..." 

With that, everything exploded.

" ** _WHAT?!_** "

Mondo was roaring, Chihiro had begun wordlessly screaming and he couldn't hear Leon at all over the other two.

_**"KIYOTAKA, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TAKE?! WHAT DID YOU TA-?!"** _

Kiyotaka couldn't answer anymore. His senses finally left him and everything went black. 

His plan to end his life had backfired and in the worst way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one thing he didn't want happening, ended up happening. Poor Kiyotaka. 
> 
> Okay scratch that, poor everybody involved here. That'd be traumatic as fuck to witness.


	4. Wake up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone.  
> First of all, thank you to the readers and everyone who's left a bookmark, comment or a kudos! I appreciate each and every one.
> 
> I was supposed to write the aftermath all in one big chapter but had some trouble with it because 1, it's quite emotionally heavy, 2, it's a subject that warrants a lot of care and 3, it's dialogue heavy and that takes a bit longer for me to write. 
> 
> It's since been split up into smaller, more manageable chapters and this is the first part. My apologies for leaving it on a cliffhanger.
> 
> Special thanks to Monika for helping me out with this one.

The first thing he saw were lights above his head. The second was the upper half of an oxygen mask. The last was what looked like curtains, right at his peripherals.

There was no mistaking it; Kiyotaka had woken up in a hospital ward. He wasn't dead.

The guilt didn't even give him a grace period before washing over him in full force. His plan had well and truly failed and in a way that he'd tried so hard to avoid.

From what little he could remember, he had scared the others badly. Kiyotaka wanted to hope that they would forgive him for it but his doubt told him that it wasn't likely to happen.

With that weighing heavily on his shoulders, Kiyotaka lifted his head slightly and looked around. 

Despite the lights, the room was dimly lit. There was a clock on the wall perpendicular to the bed. Blinking away the blurriness in his eyes, he noted that it read half past three.

On his right was a window, the glow of the city's lights visible from it giving the cloudy sky an orange hue.

From all of that, Kiyotaka could conclude that it was the early hours of the morning. How long had he been out for?

Something to his left shifted and Kiyotaka turned to see what it was, discarding those thoughts for the time being.

A lone grizzly figure sat slumped and half asleep in an uncomfortable looking plastic chair, looking like he hadn't rested well in a long time. His grey hair was a mess, facial hair also unkempt and there were obvious dark circles under his eyes.

And much like Kiyotaka himself, the man was also starting to rouse.

The guilt hit him again when he finally recognised who it was; his _father_. Kiyotaka wasn't able to stop the tears from starting. The noise from that was enough to get the older man's attention.

"...Hhhh, wha-? Kiyotaka!"

Takaaki Ishimaru shot up from his chair, now fully awake. He rushed to his son's side.

A lecture was coming, Kiyotaka just knew it. 

"I- You-" Takaaki stammered. "Damn it!"

He threw his arms up.

"I saw the note, Kiyotaka and- and oh for the love of god, killing yourself isn't the answer to that!"

Here it was.

Alongside the ever increasing guilt, Kiyotaka felt the regret come in. He shouldn't have had the note literally on him.

Hell, if he knew that he was going to survive, he wouldn't have even written the damn thing. Or better yet, not attempted to kill himself in the first place.

But it was too late now. It had been read and what was done, was done. Everything had been bared for all to see.

"Just- I-I got the call from Fujisaki and the kid was in fucking hysterics, Kiyo. _Hysterics_." Takaaki continued, emphasising the last word with a rise in pitch.

Kiyotaka's heart was up in his throat. Hysterics? _They'd all seen it happen. He passed out while Mondo and Chihiro were screaming at him and Leon was desperately trying to get to the hospital in time. No wonder._ The full weight of what he'd done hit him like a freight train.

"I was thinking the worst- No, it _was_ the worst! Damn it, I though I'd lost you too!"

Takaaki shook, overcome with emotion. It was completely unlike him and for Kiyotaka, it was very disorienting. He hadn't seen him act like that since his mother passed away all those years ago.

The man was rattled and it was _all his fault._

"You died _twice_. You died in the back of Kuwata's van and again in the emergency room."

Oh. So he _had_ died. Died and then been brought back. He'd technically succeeded, right in front of everyone else.

And just like that, Kiyotaka wished he'd never existed at all. In trying to relieve others of the burden of himself, he'd just caused even more pain.

Not only for the others, himself too, he realised with a start.

There had to have been at least one other way that didn't involve dying. Literally anything else would've been a better option than death and he shouldn't have even tried killing himself in the first place before exhausting all other possible solutions.

Kiyotaka had **_definitely_** jumped the gun on this.

Takaaki leaned over and looked at him dead on.

"The doctors were barely able to bring you back- You had to be _intubated_ because you couldn't breathe on your own thanks to what you took!"

He turned away, finally coming undone. The hardened cop exterior he'd perfected over the years shattered into pieces.

"Just... Goddamn it! You've been out for two days... and we didn't know if you were going to wake up again..."

Takaaki's voice began to crack.

"Goddamn it, Kiyotaka..." He finally let his own tears fall alongside his son's.

The dam had broken. There wasn't any more to be said. The words no longer came for either man anymore. All they could do was hold each other and cry.

Between the frequent check-ins from the nurses, the two of them spent the next few hours like that; emotions ebbing and flowing like waves crashing onto the shoreline. 

And there they remained until the visiting hours for non-family members came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mondo, Leon and Chihiro are coming in the next chapter. I don't think the hospital would've allowed them to stay with Kiyotaka overnight because they're not blood related, that's why they aren't here yet.
> 
> Hopefully, I have less trouble writing it.


	5. Much silence and the breaking point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. I'm alive. My apologies for dropping off of the face of the earth for the past few months. 
> 
> This chapter has been very difficult to write. Life has been incredibly hectic and a lot of things have happened that have made this fic hit too close to home. 
> 
> I've read the feedback here and, though I've found it hard to respond, I appreciate each and every one. Thank you! I will definitely be continuing this, I've got a lot planned for it. 
> 
> I'll try to keep a more regular update schedule in the future, especially as writing this is kinda helpful for me in a weird way.

There were many things that Mondo Oowada wished he didn't remember.

Holding a lifeless body.

This happened twice to him now, he wryly noted. Daiya and Kiyotaka, the former bleeding out onto the road and the latter cold and glassy eyed in the backseat of Leon's car. They'd both died in his arms and the parallels made him feel sick.

He tried not to think about it, tried to push it out of his mind but no matter what he did, the thought always crept back somehow.

A shade of blue that was more of a grey that Mondo never wanted to see ever again. 

Kiyotaka sitting beside him, quickly going from his usual pale to sheet white and then that godawful colour as his lungs failed him. 

Chihiro having a massive panic attack in the waiting room, which set his asthma off and nearly resulted in him getting hospitalised too.

Mondo had gone to class the other day to take his mind off of it all but when he encountered Sayaka in the cafeteria wearing a sweater that was almost that _same fucking colour_ , he threw up on the spot.

All eyes on him, the look of concern mixed with fright that made his stomach drop. 

In the cafeteria, in the emergency room when they finally made it there. They'd all scooted back as far away as they could get. Horrified when they saw what was happening but couldn't look away.

Eyes that were blank. 

Leon just staring at the bathroom wall where he just threw the empty pill bottle that he'd found in the bin when it clicked in his mind why it was there. There wasn't any point to it, it wouldn't reverse the overdose but Leon had to take his rage out on something. The bottle didn't break; the damn thing was made from plastic.

Kiyotaka staring sightlessly ahead at nothing, eyes half lidded and pupils blown out as wide as they could go.

Reddened eyes belonging to Kiyotaka's father, long ago having lost their spark, somehow emptier than before as he sat vigil by his son's bedside. 

When Taka was stable enough for the others to visit him, Mondo saw that someone finally closed his eyes, taping them shut with gauze tape. He wasn't expecting that. Nor did he expect there to be so much of the stuff on his comatose partner, holding far too many IVs in place, along with a tube that went into his mouth.

Mondo had asked a nurse what that tube was and she had told him that it was so the ventilator could work. Kiyotaka wasn't able to breathe on his own, a machine now had to do it for him.

He knew that but it was upsetting to hear all the same. 

One google search on how exactly intubation worked later and Mondo was left with the shock of how bad Kiyotaka's condition really was and what measures the hospital staff had taken to keep him alive; the tube that Mondo thought ended at the back of his throat actually went down much deeper into his trachea, ending at the spot in the middle of his chest where it branched off into two. From there, the ventilator that said intubation tube was attached to was able to take over the task of breathing.

Mondo knew that Taka would've hated that.

Chihiro had been apologising to him over and over for not getting there or realising in time. 

Even after he went to bed, it continued; As he often did, Mondo could hear Chihiro talking in his sleep during the night and judging by the sobbing that accompanied it now, sleep wasn't enough to ease his guilt.

It pained Mondo for many reasons. One, it wasn't Chihiro's fault. Two, he knew that himself and Leon felt the exact same way but neither of them could really blame him for feeling like that and three.

Three was more personal. Chihiro's sleep talking habit was something he shared with Kiyotaka. There were many nights in the past where he and Mondo had had funny little incoherent conversations. Kiyotaka never remembered them in the morning but it was something that Mondo found endearing. Hearing Chihiro reminded him of that and fuck, it hurt. 

But he had a point. None of them had noticed just how bad Kiyotaka's mental state had gotten until it was almost too late. Leon and Chihiro were one thing but Mondo himself was another. 

His own words echoed in his head. _"What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't notice?"_

Had he been more attentive, would he have picked up on how low Kiyotaka was truly feeling? The man was an open book and in hindsight, it was obvious that something wasn't right and yet nobody got the damn hint. Mondo should've noticed and it was killing him inside.

The doctors had told them that he hadn't been eating either. 

Mondo wished that he was surprised at that but he wasn't. He knew that when Kiyotaka was upset, he stopped eating. This situation wasn't any different. Still, Mondo felt like _he should've fucking noticed_ but didn't.

The note in the pocket of Kiyotaka's jacket.

He'd written about many things and his reasons for taking his life in vivid detail, things that the others knew troubled him and some new ones that left everyone reeling. 

Things that had been building up inside him for a long time, longer than Mondo had known him for. Years upon years of struggling, a large portion of that all alone and now as an adult, Kiyotaka finally broke.

Mondo knew he felt pressured. They all did. But not to that extent. 

They all knew that his childhood was absolutely fucked up but he'd never purposefully gone into detail about just how much had happened to him.

That self hatred. It pained Mondo's heart to read and it called to mind his own issues. He knew what it felt like and seeing it all laid out in Taka's writing, neatly written in black ink on crisp white paper made it very clear how fucked up that mindset truly was.

He saw none of the good in himself and all the bad parts became far larger in comparison, real or not. Another step over the edge.

When Kiyotaka's dad plugged in the USB neatly taped to the note, he found instructions on what he wanted done with his body after he'd passed. Mondo, Leon and Chihiro then watched him collapse sobbing on the waiting room floor. 

There was so much that had happened in the past few days but today, things were going to change for the better. Mondo got a text message early in the morning saying that Kiyotaka had finally woken up from his coma.

He and the others were equal parts ecstatic and relieved to hear the news, an understatement to say the least. As soon as visiting hours started, they were going to go and see him.

The worst of this nightmare was hopefully over. 

* * *

Mondo stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Dishevelled. It was clear that he hadn't slept well for a while. His hair was down instead of in its usual pompadour and he hadn't bothered to put on eyeliner. It wasn't like he could muster up the energy to do much more than brush his hair and wash his face at the moment, so he just left it like that.

Exiting the bathroom, he caught sight of Chihiro sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee. His face was puffy and quite red; he'd obviously been crying again and had only just stopped. The half empty mug shook in his hands.

Leon was sitting across from him eating breakfast and would've looked almost normal if not for the dead look in his eyes and how quiet he was.

The stress of the last few days had clearly taken their toll on the three but either way, it didn't matter now. Kiyotaka had pulled through, they were going to see him within an hour's time and they were ready to leave the house. 

The three of them made their way downstairs in silence, none of them sure what to say.

They quietly got into Chihiro's car and drove off towards the hospital. 

* * *

It was nearly ten minutes into the drive before Chihiro finally spoke up. 

"...Kiyo's gonna be okay, right?" He murmured, staring ahead at the road.

Mondo remained quiet in the passenger seat next to him, leaning against the door and staring out of the window and too caught up in his own thoughts to answer.

"...I don't know." Leon responded from the backseat. "He's alive at least but jesus christ, that was too close..."

That caught Mondo's attention, snapping him out of his reverie. He suddenly sat up. "He's awake, isn't he?!"

"He is but-" Chihiro began before Mondo cut him off.

""But" fucking nothing-!" He snapped.

"HEY! Cool it!" Leon yelled, smacking his hand against the back of Mondo's seat for emphasis. "We're not starting this shit here!"

"I-" 

"Fuck, I don't know to say, alright?!" Mondo curled his hands into fists in his lap and turned around to face Leon. "Taka nearly fucking died and you're telling me to cool it?!"

"Well, yelling does absolutely jack shit about the situation!" Came Leon's retort.

Chihiro immediately began crying again.

"Goddamn it, I fucking know that!" Not knowing what else to do, Mondo turned back around and gave the dashboard a light punch. That wasn't a good thing to do but he had to take his feelings of helplessness out on something, he was sure he'd explode otherwise.

Silence fell, a stunned one this time, broken only by Chihiro sniffling. It was a while before anyone spoke again.

"... I'm sorry." Mondo didn't make eye contact with the other two out of shame. "I don't know what to do..."

"It's okay. We don't either..." Chihiro replied, barely audible over the sound of the engine.

Yet again, silence fell over the three. It lasted probably no more than a few minutes but the tension in it made it seem far longer than it should.

Maybe that was why Leon chose to break it? Silence wasn't something he dealt with well.

"This might be the last time we get to visit Taka for a while." Leon said, voice low. "He's being put in an involuntary psych hold-"

**WHAM.** Mondo punched the dashboard again, far harder this time. The sound made everyone jump.

"He doesn't belong in a fuCKING PSYCH WARD!!" He continued to indiscrimately punch the dashboard. 

"Mondo, don't!" Chihiro called out, startled by his friend's outburst.

"For fucks sake!"

"Isn't that standard after-?!"

It went unheard. Mondo's worry-fueled rage, built up over the past few days, had finally broken through what little self control he had.

"It's to make sure he doesn't try off himse-!" Leon attempted to explain, in a last ditch attempt to placate Mondo's fury.

Bad idea.

"HE'S NOT FUCKING GOING TO!!" Mondo roared, now swinging his punches widely and, to Leon's alarm, narrowly avoiding hitting Chihiro next to him. "HE JUST CAME OUT OF A FUCKING COMA AND THEY THINK HE'S GOING TO TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN?!"

Leon raised up his arms in a surrender. "I don't fucking k-!!"

"MONDO, STOP PUNCHING!!" Chihiro screamed, gripping the steering wheel tighter and pulling himself inward to avoid being struck. "YOU'RE GOING TO HIT ME!!" 

Mondo turned in his direction and got right up close to his face. "I'M NOT FUCKING GOING TO HIT YOU!!"

Chihiro's response to that was drowned out by the frantic sound of the car behind them blaring their horn.

Leon quickly scanned behind through the windows and his alarm very quickly turned to outright horror when he saw how close they were to colliding with the car beside to them. Distracted by Mondo's violent panic attack, Chihiro had ended up halfway into the next lane.

"That's it!! Pull over!!"

"We're on the fr-!!" Chihiro shot back but Leon didn't let him finish.

"I don't fucking care right now, both of you are going to cause an accident!! PULL THE FUCK OVER!!"

Chihiro complied. 

* * *

As soon as the car stopped moving, Mondo immediately took off. The other two didn't stop him; they knew too well that he needed space.

Mondo began punching the first thing he could find, a tree. Everything, thoughts, emotions, sensations, swirled around in a chaotic mess that went too fast for him to hold onto anything tangible for more than a split second.

**Wham**. All the screaming in the car. Whose car was it? Was it today or three days ago?

 **Wham**. Mondo could hear Chihiro hyperventilating and wheezing behind him and it took him immediately back into the waiting room. Chihiro had done the math then and realised that Kiyotaka had most likely downed all those pills while he was in the apartment with him. Panic attack. Asthma attack. That fucking grey blue again.

 **Wham**. Grey clouds that broke up in the sky to reveal blue. Today's sky remained grey.

 **Wham**. Hold it together. Don't scream at the other two. _"Don't scream at the nurses, for fuck's sake!"_

 **Wham**. Apologies. Nurses and doctors. To Kiyotaka's father. To Kiyotaka. That day, on repeat in Mondo's head keeping him up at night from the sheer guilt. 

**Wham**. Him alone in the bed, the empty space beside him saying far more than words ever could.

On and on like that it went. Nothing stuck and everything melted together.

Mondo lost track of how long he'd been hitting the tree but when he came back into himself, he was numb. Both physically and emotionally, he was numb and couldn't give anymore. 

He finally stopped and rested his head against the bark. 

It was then when he realised that he'd been crying. Mondo detachedly watched his tears drip down onto the autumn leaves littering the ground below him, none of it registering. He didn't register Leon calling out to him either until the latter approached him and got in his line of sight.

"...You alright?" Leon repeated softly, almost too quiet for him to hear. Or was it because of the daze Mondo was in? He didn't know and he couldn't spare the energy to try and work it out.

It took a few seconds before he was able to respond. "...I don't know... Fucking hell, I'm sorry..."

"Hey..." Chihiro answered from behind them, just as quiet but audibly wheezing. "It's alright-"

Leon threw his arms up. 

"No the fuck it isn't!" He exploded, patience finally wearing out.

"You-" He gestured forcefully at Chihiro. "-nearly crashed the fucking car because Mondo over here-" He gestured back to Mondo with equal force. "-was punching shit and nearly decked you in the goddamn face!"

Neither Chihiro nor Mondo could form an answer to that. Leon was right and they very well knew it.

Leon turned back around to face Mondo. "And you..." His expression softened slightly. "Look, we get it. We're all worried sick about Taka too but for fuck's sake, you can't flip out like that in the car. That could've gotten us all killed."

Mondo remained silent. He knew already how dangerous his loss of control was, the worst one he'd had yet, but said out loud like that it drove home just how utterly irresponsible his actions were, even through the post outburst haze. Regret and guilt bubbled through it.

Regardless of what the situation was, Mondo had fucked up and they were lucky that it hadn't ended in further tragedy.

"Leon, you're right but..." Chihiro spoke up. "...with everything going on, that... reaction, I get it-"

  
  
Leon's jaw dropped. "Are you fucking serious right now?!"

"I'm not saying that it was appropriate, Leon!" Chihiro wasn't backing down. Mondo blankly watched from a distance as the former stood up and got out of the car.

"It's just with literally everything happening in the last few days, I get _why_ Mondo blew up!" He paused to take a breath, struggling to do so. "The absolute worst timing and place definitely and honestly, I am just- so fucking furious this happened! It shouldn't have even happened in the first place but I can see why it did and it was bound to have happened eventually! And we didn't... crash..."

A barking coughing fit cut his rant short. The tension went away, quickly replaced by concern.

"...That's something, at least." Leon stated cautiously, not looking at Mondo but keeping an close eye on Chihiro. "But that was too fucking close! Let's not repeat that again. Ever."

For Mondo, the words barely sunk in but he agreed with Leon's sentiment on that. Chihiro continued coughing.

Leon walked closer to him. "You okay?"

Chihiro didn't say anything, waving Leon off while attempting to use his inhaler. 

The brief minute that followed was awkward, everyone standing around in place as said coughing eased off and Chihiro was eventually able to breathe properly again.

Leon turned towards Mondo: "You alright to go?"

Mondo couldn't meet his eyes, electing to stare at the ground. "...Yeah..."

"...Let's sit in the backseat-" Chihiro suggested, hoarse. "if that's o-" His eyes widened, staring at Mondo's hands. "You're bleeding!"

Mondo followed his gaze and sure enough, so he was. He flexed his hands, watching the scrapes over his knuckles that he didn't even notice he had pull themselves open and shut as he did so.

"Jesus christ, Mon..." Leon sighed, shaking his head.

"I-I've got bandaids somewhere, hold on."

Chihiro darted off to the car to look for them, disappearing from Mondo's sight. 

Everything was a blur after that. When Mondo became properly aware of his surroundings again, he found himself in the backseat of the car, Leon in the driver's seat and Chihiro sitting beside him bandaging up his wounded hands.

Mondo wished he didn't bother. Chihiro really didn't have to do that for him after all he'd done. That and the heavy quietness that had once again made its way over the sorry trio compounded his feelings of regret even more. It wasn't like Mondo could stop Chihiro without further incident but for the atmosphere, he had to do something, say something. Anything. It was too overwhelming to leave it like that.

"...I was way outta line." Mondo murmured, barely audible. It surprised him how defeated he sounded. "I shouldn't have done that..."

Chihiro looked up from his handiwork and stared at him for a couple of seconds. "...I know." He replied, just as softly. "And I shouldn't have screamed at you. That wasn't helping things..."

"For the love of god, don't start up the sorry cycle. What's done is done. Let's leave it behind us, kay?" There wasnt any anger or malice in it. Leon sounded drained too.

"Okay..."

"...."

Chihiro focused back on Mondo. "Try to keep your hand still." 

The asthma attack had long since passed by now but Mondo could still hear a slight wheeze in his voice when he spoke. It was worrying.

"...Chi, you're still wheezing." He noted.

Chihiro bristled in his seat. "I know. It'll go in a minute, I've had my things. I'm okay."

None of them spoke further. The rest of the trip continued like that, tired silence and all until the hospital finally came into view ten minutes later.

"We're here." Leon said monotonously.

They pulled into the car park, parked the car and got out. 

* * *

It didn't take long for the three to reach the ward that Kiyotaka was in but it felt like it took years before they spotted his father standing out in the hallway.

Takaaki barely acknowledged them as they went past him. It was obvious he had been crying but his whole demeanour had changed from that of someone who's entire world had fallen apart to that of an incredibly worried parent.

It wasn't much of an improvement but it was something. The fact that it even was an improvement to begin with just made the whole thing worse.

In the ward, they found Kiyotaka sitting propped up in his hospital bed, with far less medical equipment and tape attached to him. He appeared to have been crying too and looked oddly tired for someone who'd been in a coma for the past few days but ultimately he was very much conscious and _alive_. 

"Hey..." He greeted sheepishly, carefully waving a hand.

Mondo immediately ran over to him and pulled him into a tight hug. "Bro!..."

"Hey, you're awake."

"Kiyo!"

Chihiro started crying again but that was barely noticeable over everyone frantically rushing over and talking at once. 

Amid the cacophony, Kiyotaka stared at the others in bewildered silence for a few seconds. Then he burst into tears.

"I'm a-alright." Kiyotaka struggled to keep his voice even but pushed on. "I-It wasn't supposed to go like- like that, I'm so sorry!"

"That's a good thing! You- You're still-" Chihiro choked up, not able bring himself to say it. Alive. Not dead. Saying it would've been an unwelcome reminder of the opposite, what Kiyotaka narrowly avoided becoming.

Mondo clung tighter to him. "Never fucking do that ever again! Please!" Mondo's fingers dug hard into the latter's arm. It wasn't forceful enough to hurt him and he felt Taka gently put his own hand over the back of his hand in response. Confirmation that the other was there and real and no longer in that damn coma, something they both desperately needed right now.

"Like... Damn, dude..." Leon sounded the calmest out of the lot. 

"How long have you been awake?" Mondo asked. He didn't let go.

"A few hours." Kiyotaka responded. He wiped a few stray tears with the fingers on his free hand and looked up at the others. "How long was I... out? Father said two days."

Chihiro nodded in return, sniffling and nervously fiddling with the collar of his jumper. "Pretty much, yes."

"We were all getting really worried that you wouldn't wa-" .

"Don't!" Mondo snapped at Leon, making the clearly on edge Chihiro jump in fright. "Don't fucking..."

Leon's tone had been casual and Mondo knew that he wasn't deliberately trying to start something but it stung anyway. Mondo unconsciously squeezed Kiyotaka tighter against him. Leon put his hands up in a surrendering motion for what was probably the fiftieth time today and took a step backward.

Kiyotaka tensed up. "I'm sorry..."

"Not you, him." Mondo growled, glaring halfheartedly at Leon. He was far too exhausted for anything more.

"It doesn't matter!" Chihiro moved between the two of them without breaking eye contact with Kiyotaka. "You're awake now!"

Mondo pulled back a little and shook him. 

"And what the fuck do you mean not supposed to go like that? You dying?!"

Kiyotaka balked at the question and, looking like a deer caught in headlights, began stammering.

"Mondo, please-" Chihiro pleaded over him, not wanting another yelling match to start.

"Hey-" Leon had the same idea.

But Kiyotaka decided to answer Mondo's question anyway. As difficult as it was, he didn't want to leave it unanswered.

"In the car... I forgot we were doing something that day and it..." He paused, uncomfortable with what he was trying to say. "...happened... in front of you all. I'm really sorry!"

Mondo stared at him in silence for a moment, eyes wide.

"Why didn't you say you were feeling like that earlier?!" He yelled. Chihiro flinched again at his volume."You didn't have to fucking-"

"I really didn't want to bother you all with it!"

They should've seen that answer coming. Kiyotaka was notorious for neglecting his own needs, trying to soldier on anyway and ending up pushing himself past his breaking point out of a sense of not wanting to come off as incapable.

Him wanting to die apparently was another one those things. It was awful to hear.

"...Dude, no." Leon didn't know what to say to that.

Chihiro had started trembling again. "That's never a bother!" He wailed, another flood of tears starting up.

Mondo was at a complete loss for words. All he could really do was make incoherent noises. Kiyotaka had frozen, looking as if he regretted his admission. With the reaction it got, he probably did. 

"That might've been the... wrong word for it." He said, almost too quiet to hear. "It-It just... It all built up and I couldn't- I couldn't-" He couldn't finish his sentence, shaking his head in distress.

"Where would I even have started?!"

"Not trying to off yourself!" Leon retorted, practically snapping. Was it what everyone was thinking? Yes. But at this time and place, Leon voicing it out loud was akin to dumping gasoline into a bonfire.

"Leon-!"

"LEON, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

This was nearly a repeat of the incident on the highway. It probably would've escalated to that same level had an unfamiliar voice not suddenly called out over the din from behind.

"I'm sorry-" The voice turned out to belong to a nurse. "-but if you three are going to get aggressive, I'll have to ask you to leave." 

It stopped it right in its tracks. Mondo resumed spluttering again, trying his hardest not to start screaming at the nurse despite his anger. Leon and Kiyotaka both went silent.

"Sorry..." Chihiro was the only one who still had it in him to talk, even if it was just to apologise to the nurse as she left the room.

"Plea- Please don't argue." Kiyotaka sounded desperate, jarringly so. "Please... I know..."

"Fuck...I'm sorry too." Leon's anger had gone as quickly as it came.

All eyes turned to Mondo. They found that the biker had stopped spluttering and his gaze was blank again.

"Mondo?" Kiyotaka called out to him, concern creasing his face. He didn't answer.

Leon waved his arms in an effort to get the taller man's attention but didn't dare speak up again.

"Are you alright?" 

Mondo ignored both Leon and Chihiro but begun to hyperventilate. Before anyone could say anything, it turned into sniffling and then into half stifled sobbing.

Wordlessly, Chihiro drew Mondo into a hug alongside Kiyotaka, who had the same idea. Leon held back for a second and then joined them. 

The dam holding everything back had well and truly broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of tears and a lot of odd silences, strong emotions are really screwing around with everyone.
> 
> I feel like I'm going to have to go back and edit this chapter but that's going to start up the cycle of endlessly finding things to fix and getting frustrated. Most of the next chapters are going to be far easier.


End file.
